Safe Connection

Safe Connection: A Human Need

We are social creatures, longing for safe connection with others. And yet, this experience often eludes us, leaving us feeling isolated and lonely. What creates this disconnection? And how can we shift toward meaningful, safe connection?

While this shift is entirely possible, it takes courage and steady effort. The work is hard—but deeply rewarding—when it leads us to relationships where we feel seen, understood, and safe.

Bessel van der Kolk, M.D., in The Body Keeps the Score, writes:

“Being able to feel safe with other people is probably the single most important aspect of mental health; safe connections are fundamental to meaningful and satisfying lives.”

So, how do we find these safe connections?

How the Brain Learns Safety and Threat

From our earliest relationships, our brain begins collecting and storing “data points” that signal safety or danger in connection.
A smile, for example, is usually registered as a cue for safety, while a scowl or “stink eye” becomes stored as a cue for social threat.

Over time, our experiences fill this internal database with both safe and unsafe cues. Our brain then draws on this information to decide if someone in our present life feels safe. From very early on, we begin forming patterns—moving toward people when we sense safety and away when we sense threat.

This system serves to protect us, but it can also keep us disconnected. Painful experiences such as neglect, betrayal, or trauma can confuse our safety cues. We may find ourselves moving away from others automatically, even when connection might actually be safe. Sometimes, no one feels safe to approach at all.

Shifting from Disconnection to Connection

The good news is that you’ve already started.
Just by learning about these patterns, you’re beginning to take more agency over how you respond to social cues. Awareness creates choice.

We no longer have to react out of old, protective patterns—we can pause, notice, and name the cues of safety or threat in our present relationships. From this awareness, we can decide when to move closer and when to step back.

Let’s look at two ways to increase our agency in response to these cues.

1. Boundaries: Tools for Safe Connection

Some believe boundaries create barriers to connection, but in truth, healthy boundaries make connection safer and more sustainable. Boundaries give us the confidence to move toward others while knowing we can also protect ourselves when needed.

Imagine that you have an invisible bubble around you filled with doors and windows of all different sizes. All the handles are on the inside. You decide which doors or windows to open, how far, for how long, and when to close them.

Take a moment to picture this. Would that help you feel safer approaching others?
Boundaries put you in the driver’s seat of your relational safety.

For example, if you share something vulnerable over coffee and the other person listens attentively—with eye contact, a nod, and empathetic words like “That must have been hard”—your emotional brain recognizes these as cues of safety. You keep that window open and continue to connect.

But if the person dismisses your experience or responds with judgment, your emotional brain registers threat. You can close the window a bit—limiting how much you share—to protect your vulnerable self.

Boundaries help you navigate these moments with clarity, confidence, and care.

2. Healing Old Cues of Threat

Another way to increase agency is to examine the cues you notice and ask: Is this connected to past pain?

If an old wound is tied to a current cue of threat, your brain will likely react with automatic disconnection. By recognizing this, you create space for healing—allowing yourself to re-evaluate whether the present situation truly carries the same danger. This process can reset your cues and open new possibilities for connection.

In close relationships, especially romantic ones, these old cues often repeat. Bringing them into awareness and working to heal them can restore safety and deepen connection over time.

Moving Toward Safe Connection

We can keep ourselves safe through healthy boundaries and grow connection by tending to old wounds that once taught us disconnection.

There is hope.
By understanding and reshaping our responses, we move closer to meeting our fundamental human need—for safe, sustaining connection—and experience greater satisfaction in life.