Anger isn't the enemy

As a therapist, I often hear things like:

• “I don’t want to be an angry person.”
• “I try to stay away from anger.”
• “I’m sorry about my anger.”

It’s not uncommon for individuals to feel deeply uncomfortable even feeling anger, let alone expressing it. But what if anger isn’t the problem? What if anger has something important to say?

Like all emotions, anger is a sensation in the body sending a message to the brain. Anger often tells us:

• A boundary has been crossed.
• A need has gone unmet for too long.
• An injustice must be addressed.

Most discomfort with anger isn’t because of the emotion itself—but because of what we’ve learned about it. Many of us have seen anger expressed in ways that were harmful, violent, or unpredictable. Others were taught that even feeling anger was a moral failing. If you’ve wanted to avoid anger altogether, that makes sense.

But I’d like to offer another perspective.

Anger is one of our most protective emotions.

When we put out the fire of our anger, we often leave ourselves unprotected. We silence our voice when it most needs to be heard. We don’t set boundaries even when they’re crucial for our well-being.

Anger can be our ally—a voice that says, “You don’t deserve that.”
A friend that calls out truth.
A reminder that your needs are valid and deserve attention.

Rather than seeing anger as a wildfire—destructive and uncontrollable—what if we viewed it as a controlled burn? Something intentional. Something necessary. Something powerful but safe. When channeled effectively, the energy of anger can support both personal and collective healing. It helps us clarify our needs, set limits, and take action.

Here’s an example:
Imagine someone in a relationship that feels unbalanced. They start to feel anger toward their partner. They don’t want to damage the relationship, but they do want to take action. That person might pause and ask: “What message is my anger trying to send me?”

• Perhaps they need more support in the relationship.
• Maybe they need to speak up about something that feels unfair.
• Or they might need to set a boundary to protect their emotional or physical safety.

In this case, anger becomes a compass—not a wrecking ball. It points them toward clarity and fuels the courage to take constructive steps.

Of course, learning to trust anger again often requires processing past experiences and practicing new responses. If that’s something you’re ready to explore, we’re here to support you.